Members Only

The polar bear club is a very exclusive club to join. To become a member, you must submerge yourself completely under water in the Arctic Ocean. The patch and membership certificate are totally worth any numbness or potential long term loss of sensation one might experience.
So, in order for me to join, I had to go talk to a guy named Joe.
Before calling Joe, I was not sure how this is going to work because the Arctic Ocean is still completely frozen from the beach out for a mile. It is not realistic drive a mile on the ice to jump at the edge of the ice for two reasons: 1. the ride back on the snow machine soaking wet would be horrible and 2. this is the same location I watched polar bears feast on a dead seal. The first reason being the one that really pulls the plug on that idea.
To say that Joe is a "character" would be the understatement of the year. He owns a two story house where he lives in the upstairs and has a museum downstairs. He told me a few guys from the Smisfonian museum down in DC (you probably know it as the Smithsonian) came to catalog his museum. They planned a 2 day trip to Barrow for this but ended up staying 3 weeks because he has so much stuff. The things in his museum include a 15 foot polar bear that he shot and stuffed, a family of squirrels hunted and stuffed, and a bag of marbles. So I go see Joe about an "alternate" plan for joining the polar bear club. Here were his proposals:

1. drive 10 miles on snow machines to a river that is probably melted. technically the river is part of the arctic ocean so my membership would be legitimate. while i jumped into the river, he would build a fire for me for when i got out. i could then cover myself in polar bear skins for the 10 mile ride back home while soaking wet.

2. he will measure me and then take his chainsaw and cut a circular hole of ice by the beach. he would tie a rope around my waist so that when i jumped in, he could pull me right out. when i asked him if he had ever done that before, he said yes. He measure the girl but was hung over that day so he only cut a hole as big as her. he thought the cold water would shrink her. (the way he described this next part is so hilarious i am laughing out loud thinking about it). instead, he described how she plumped up as soon as she went under the hole. it took him 1:30 minutes to finally cut more ice and get her out. he said the whole time she was stuck in the ice, all he could think was, "oh thank the lordy that she paid beforehand. I will have to use that money to call long distance to her family because she is going to die" Obviously, I entertained this idea, but after the story about this girl, I had some doubts.

I told him I wasn't really crazy about either idea but I really wanted to join the Polar Bear Club. He said he would work on some more ideas and get back to me.Joe explained that he really needs the money so he wants to find a way for me to join and pay my membership dues. Just so you know, it costs $10.....he will not be making big bucks on this at all. So, I am waiting for Joe to think of something else and give me a call. I only have 3 days left here in Barrow so the pressure is on. For some reason, I think Joe might pull through with an idea of how we can make this work. Stay tuned on this one......